Dating from a place of self love and abundance

I cannot create abundance. It already exists everywhere. The only thing I can create is scarcity. ~ John D Vehr


I came across this quote recently  and it’s been on my mind ever since. I don’t know what you take from it when you read it but it’s kind of profound for me and I’ve had so many insights around life, midlife particularly, and dating that have led me to writing this blog post in the hope that something resonates with you.

It used to really annoy me that gurus, or people I followed on social media, would always talk about abundance being all around us. I just didn’t get it. My life felt like it was in free fall at the time. I was really struggling dating, struggling financially, you name it, I was struggling. Others, seemed to have it all – the nice life, the reliable income, the happy marriage and I was struggling.

Does some of that sound familiar to you too?

Relationships, in one or not, is another ‘issue’ that people struggle with, right? The one and only thing preventing people meeting someone, having fun dating, is the thinking that’s going on in their head. Basically, they see scarcity. The blocks they put up with words like, ‘I’ll never find anyone’, ‘I’m too old now’, ‘All men seem to be looking for younger women’, ‘Everyone seems to behave so badly online’, ‘I don’t want to go through that pain again’……ALL of this is scarcity.

So how is it that there are plenty of people who are finding love online every single day? I have several friends who have met the love of their life online. I have a wonderful client who met the woman of his dreams recently. The difference between those that do and those that don’t is perhaps the difference between seeing scarcity or abundance.

So how do you do it? Well, I think the main difference is that when things just don’t seem to be going your way, you know, the guy didn’t get back to you, the woman you had a few days with just disappeared, you simply don’t take it to heart. People behave the way they behave and actually it’s got nothing to do with us.

When we are secure in our own love for ourselves, nothing anyone else does or says can damage that self love and security. Our happiness and okayness never depend on anyone else. Ever. And that’s a relief to know. So we have the option of either listening to the unhelpful thinking about why it’s all so hard or unfair, or we lean in a little more to our own self love.

Someone once said that we have become mesmerised by the negative stuff in our lives. It can become addictive, just like an addiction to Facebook or Instagram or tobacco, or badmouthing your ex …or whatever your drug happens to be. You just don’t have to believe it just because you heard it in your head.

So here are some ideas to help point you in a much more helpful direction towards yourself:

  • Begin by noticing all you have around you, all the abundance that you’re not already noticing.

  • Ask what would be more helpful to think about or believe right now.

  • Be grateful for all you do have and all that’s going well in life.

  • Do what a dear friend told me to do, “take exquisite care of yourself.”

  • Take yourself out on a date.

Following a divorce, Rebecca Perkins found herself a single mother to three children and 45 years old in 2008. She hadn’t dated since her early 20s and found that much had changed! After a number of years of good and bad dates she met her guy (online naturally) and fell in love just before her 50th birthday. Midlife has taught her to be more open-minded, to take more risks, to worry less and live by the motto, ‘If not now, when?’

Rebecca is a qualified wellbeing and resilience coach and has worked with individuals and groups across all ages and sectors. Her passion is getting right to the heart of what her clients want for their lives, helping them see beyond what they currently believe is possible. 

Rebecca is co-founder of Irresistible Dating which she set up with award winning dating photographer Saskia Nelson. Their expertise lies in guiding clients into the right mindset for dating success as well as helping them create a dating profile that stands out. 

Rebecca is also the author of Best Knickers Always: 50 Lessons for Midlife. Her latest book, co written with her daughter, Recovery from Within: A mother and daughter’s journey through anorexia will be published in the autumn. Rebecca has appeared on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour, BBC London and writes regularly for Medium where she was featured as one of their top writers on mental health. 

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